I am I because YOU are YOU

Since my birth, I am trying to understand the surroundings, the world, the air, the water, the people that surrounds me or to be put in simpler words – I am trying to recognize you directly as well as indirectly.
Now the question arises, how? When I was young, I was modulated by you to behave in a particular manner,, to react in a prescribed manner. You are the one who told me that I can run but I cant fly. You are certainly not ‘Morpheous’ of matrix who would have made me believe that I can even fly – it has been you who has made me believe and even restrict my capabilities. And as told by you, I never went a step ahead of those explained and trusted abilities and capabilities. If I talk in terms of communication system, you added white and colored noise to me (the signal) and later on, even whitened me to make me noise free but, alas, you couldn’t reconstruct me with 100% accuracy even when you adhered to Nyquist rate (Sampling Theorem).
You taught me so many things – walking, dancing, ‘bakar’, driving, maths, DSP, cooking, and lots more. You have now influenced me to an extent that you have now become a part of my life. You made me what I am today. Sometimes you were my parent, sometimes brother, sometimes sister, sometimes relative, sometimes friend, sometimes enemy, sometimes mentor and played a lot of roles in my life.
There have been times, when I felt like discovering more about myself, making your presence insignificant for me, when I wanted to listen to my inner self, but always, you stood in my way to become Neo of the matrix. You always returned everything I tried to believe and do while hiding those things from you. You have many a times, created circumstances that I reluctantly followed you in order to survive, and at other times, in a void attempt to be a part of you, accepted the things offered by you, even when I knew that you were not always a signal, most of the times you have been noise. But I agreed to mingle with you, invariably incompetent to any receiver to process me and take information out of me. You have processed me to an extent that now even when I wish to turn to signal, I cant, and would have to live as noise.
But lately, I have been successful to minimize your effect and to find a receiver which can process me successfully and turn me back to ‘a’ signal, which I have always wanted. My dream to be able to say one day, that yes, I am I because I am I, seems realizable. What I have to do is to stop considering you, but would you ever allow me to do that?
Even when you are not present physically, you are present in my thoughts, sometimes clipping, and at other times strengthening my wings. Even if through some techniques like meditation, I am able to get over you, you start affecting me in other forms – some material thoughts, a non living object and worst, divine force.
Hence, you have always been around, and shaped me in the way I am, and for this very noble reason, I thank you from the core of my heart – YOU are the one who made me what I am – It is because of you that I love myself and appreciate my surroundings, and therefore I love you more than anything and even myself.

Finally I will like to close with a thought –
I don’t believe that I am I because You are You,
rather, I know that,
I am I because You are You.



I am what I am

Some days back I attended training on ‘attitude’ at my office. It talked about positive thinking, assertiveness, outlook towards things, and hurdles to positive thinking. In the course of helping us identify these traits, the instructor told us that we should always do what we wish to do, and not what others want us to do. The logic is simple – the more we do what we wish to, the happier we are, and in turn we develop a positive thinking and confidence.
Now this one liner forced me to drift in the thoughts and do a self analysis. And now I believe, I have found the reason to lack of confidence and negative approach (for some time in my life). I actually started living for others. It became difficult for me most of the times to say a simple no to people I care for. And hence, I restrained myself from being assertive. I got hurt many a times, some people started taking me for granted and in order to keep my relationships going, I made excuses but never said no. At times I let people get away with some really bad things they did to me. Is it my fault if I am sensitive? Or am I wrong when I don’t say anything to people I care for, when they don’t behave properly? Yes, probably, I am wrong here.
When I was out of my so called bad times, I changed myself unknowingly again to the previous Anuj. ‘No’ started to coming more naturally to my lips. I started living ‘my’ life where room for others driving me was little. Where I was lot more confident than before and was lot more tactful in dealing people. Where I stopped showing excessive care to people I really care for. Though, I agree, unlike before, I am not that liked by many, I am not the sweetheart of many, I hurt some people I care for, but ultimately, the things and the people I care for, are not confused. Probably this attitude would bring me near to people who really like me and push me farther from people who just like my fake and sweet words. But true, it gives me a lot more satisfying and positive feeling. At the end of the day, when you go to bed with a realization that you were able to do what you want, you feel happy.
There is a difference in approach as well – Until last year, I tried making people around me happy, and now, I try to make myself happy. Yes, it sounds selfish. But the latter approach doesn’t mean I make people around me unhappy, just that instead of being empty from inside, I try to enlighten myself from within.
I have seen a change in attitude of many people towards me since I started bringing this change, and concluded that some people came closer and some went out of sight as I expected. But does it really matter? The answer is no.
This positive energy has helped me become a stronger and happier person within. I feel like taking more and more challenges in life. And I have started feeling the magic of the quote – If you believe you can, you will. When I reflect certain things I achieved lately, I feel proud and laugh at myself for not counting and trusting them earlier. Someone rightly said – No goal is too far, till you try for it.
I am in the process of saying to myself one day – To hell with world. I won’t take any shit you will give me. And dare you give me shit, it will bounce back on you with even higher velocity. But again, am I not thinking of the world? Yes, rightly said, ultimately, this is the feeling I need to get rid of. There is still a lot to achieve and improve on. There are many gaps which I need to fill. There is a lot to do before I seek complete peace in the world around me.
And then I was woken up from my dreams by my instructor in the training and we were required to write an essay, which I will share with you in my next post. Till then, I would like you also to think on it – ‘I am I because you are you.’

A nice topic indeed.

Random Thoughts : Broaden your vision for being successful personally and professionally :)

The day started with a thought in my mind - "Whether children are artist? And can we maintain that ‘artistic’ thing in our lives?”
I have always thought of being a successful person in life. And what does being successful mean? Is it lot of money, gold? Is it inner satisfaction? Is it power? Is it recognition? Is it being ideal for many? Yes, it means all. For me success meant to make my family and the ones I love and care for, really happy. And since childhood, I always tried to make them happy... somehow or the other... I got good marks for them, I stood by them, I made them proud, and did everything which, I think, could have made them happy. But, then I realised, it is not good marks, it is not because I try to make them happy, they are happy. But they are happy because we are family. Now, with this thought, knowing that my family is already happy because of me, I started trying to make my relatives, friends, and a couple of people who meant more than friends to me, happy. And in due course, I did everything. I gave them gifts, I stood by them, I did all those crappy things, I did things I myself disliked, and much more than that.
And to realise what? At the end of the day, the people who matter to me most, are no longer with me. Why? Because in due course of making them happy, attimes, I wasnt true to myself. I faked for what I wasnt. In order to be successful I tried everything. I learnt how to lie, I became shrewd, I started hiding some information, and even found myself at places which I didnt belong to. It is not that I am upset or am guilty for what I did. Everyone does... And so did I....
An instance here..
People think what Mayawati did infront of the nation by engrossing herself in that 1000 Rs vampire 'necklace' . Was it wastage of money? Or was it just flaunting of money? Or was it being very irresponsible. For some, it was a mere show of money. Some think, it is her money, whatever she does to it, it is on her will. How can anyone interfere in that? And for others, it was right as it was frustration and to show the advent of lower castes who were behaved like animals for last few centuries. They suffered a lot, and now they are showing that they own more than the people who ruled them for long. huh... Dont know who is wrong and who is right. The deeper you think taking any side, the more accurate you find it.
Some believe Lalu did wrong. But for others, Lalu just uprooted the higher caste people and ended the era of rajputs. Yes, he did something right to an extent, but the point is did he really do it for the cause? or was his personal benefit attached to it?
The point I am trying to make here is not the politics or who is wrong or right. But what makes us think that a particular thing is right or wrong.
It is clearly the vision.... The broader vision we have, the more rational we are, and more we behave like children.
I believe a new born kid is the one who has really got a wide vision.
Now the question is what is vision?
Well in the first para, I was pointing out why I failed in making my dear ones happy? It is because my vision is narrow. I am able to think of short term happiness, or pleasing them for a particular thing. Why cant, why can’t I modulate myself in such a manner that I start behaving in the manner, which makes everyone around me happy without actually trying to make them happy. Why cant I be like a 4 yr old kid who speaks his heart out? Yes, I agree, if I become that true, that innocent, that straight forward and kind, it will be difficult for me to live in this cruel world. But, knowing everything and behaving in a true manner is really different from behaving truly without knowing anything. And that is what a kid need to learn.
I will give you an instance here. When I came for my schooling to Delhi in +1, I was really very simple and true guy. Not updated with the world. My seniors asked me to give 10 abuses to a fan. And I was like... Doggy, donkey, pig, swine, bull, etc etc.... and there i saw... everyone laughing @ me.... making my fun... the senior slapped me... and instructed me to learn 10 different abuses in 1 night. And there started a change in me. I believe, in those 2 years, I changed like anything. I learnt how to deal with this cruel world. How to be cruel? But alas... world was more cruel than I thought. People whom I trusted, whom I relied, whom I loved, ditched me... and ditched me for some strange reasons.... and why were they able to? Because my vision is narrow.
Now, broader vision doesn’t mean, not knowing the abuses.. or not knowing about the world. It just means, know everything, but be true. Keep yourself rooted to your beliefs. Think in a broader perspective. Speak your heart out. Now it doesnt mean speak anything that may hurt another person.. which I started doing once I realized I need to speak my heart out. Rather it is what differentiates you from being an animal.
E.g. You are in a meeting. You didn’t like what your boss said. You fume, and fight with your boss. Is it right? No... Rather my point here is. Modulate yourself to behave in a manner that doesnt hurt anyone but you speak out the truth. Means, you don’t have to control your feelings, your anger.. you just start behaving that ways… It is simply like being a kid. The kid cries when he doesnt like anything.. but doesnt hurt anyone.

Having a broader vision is certainly a very difficult thing to acquire. But once you do, everyone around you will be happy. You will be successful in true sense. And satisfaction, money, power and love from all will follow you.
In pursuit of success, we do everything. But I believe, the only thing, we need to do is broaden our vision and not controlling our feelings… Just modulating ourselves to behave rationally in all the situations 

I am trying to do it, and I am feeling the change :)